annoyed...

i wonder... why don't i just stop caring about people? why don't i just think about what suits me best, instead of trying to be nice and please others? i don't know... but i think i should... it would mean less emotional exposure, less involvement, less disappointment...
my sister booked 4 places to go to a blind dinner... one of them was supposed to be mine... until she decided to invite someone else, and pretended that our conversation about me going to that dinner with her never happend... just as she did last summer... when i offered to go camping with her over the midsummer week and she said she was definitely not going on holiday that week... in the end she went exactly that week and ended up camping on her own cause her two friends she went with were retarded...
this week i was supposed to stay over at a friend's house, cause she was alone... and because we wanted to use the time to catch up a little... then i found out she had invited someone else too... not that i need to be the only one all the time... but it's not that we hang out all the time... and i thought this time was supposed to be for us... she probably thought something different...
and i am not taking it the best way possible...

itching...

my fingers were sort of itching... not really, but i read it on heike's blog and sort of liked the expression... so here we are... here i am, at least... facebook sort of took the place of everybody's blog... well, my life is going on... is happening... without me knowing how much influence i can have or i have on what actually happens to me... sometimes i think i am being passive... not liking what is happening, not doing anything to change it...
i was talking to jeff the other day... he said something that sort of hit me... he said: you can't stear a ship that is not moving... i think it's something "uncle" george said many times...
u gotta move, u gotta try make a step in one direction... any direction... God will take it from there... adjust your course to where he wants to lead you...
i was feeling very unsatisfied at work, i wanted to leave, go away...
as soon as i "decided" i was gonna go away, i was gonna try to move to a different country, i started feeling better about what i do now...
as soon as i started moving the ship, and stear it towards a different country, my mindset changed about my own...
for months i thought God was using this year to make clear to me that this is NOT where i belong, that this is NOT where i am supposed to be... now i am not so sure anymore...
i am still very confused... but got my smile back... :-)

i thought i lost it...

now, you tell me if this is normal...
i was setting up a different blog... for compassion... and as you all know very well, i am not an IT queen... so, basically what happend is that i thought for the entire afternoon that i could not access my blog anymore... i know, now with facebook and all that, who needs a blog? but i still like to jurnalise on here every once in a while... anyways, it's all good now...